sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
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