girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
cat food counts as protein by the way
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
