Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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