I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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