Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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