Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
