And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
So apparently I’m into choking now
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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