Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
