I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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