I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm just crazy horny about you
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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