The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
