I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
