and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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