just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
