how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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