i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize