Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
No I am not eating basil off your cock
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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