the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
