I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize