worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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