Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
