I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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