I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
