you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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