4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
My bed smells like the plague
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
