You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
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