i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
