I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
