the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
