I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
