just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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