Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
