He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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