Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
