Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
