I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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