first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
