I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize