I think I just saw someone hide a body.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
