walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I would fuck him just for his dog
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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