ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
