just come out here and I will go home with you...
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize