My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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