she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
