Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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