Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
