I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize