I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
