her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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