So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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