i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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