Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
