I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
