By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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