Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
