i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Randomize
