i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Randomize
