I should be sponsored by Trojan
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
